2.21.2001

Sometimes-Actually quite often, I run into the limitations of words, of language. Has that ever happened to you? If you don't understand what I mean, here's a simple example-try writing a song or poem that doesn't use a cliche.
Actually, the wall I hit comes when I try to express feelings in a way that doesn't sound cheesy. Even saying 'I love you' has to qualified by a long preamble if I don't mean it in its eros form. On top of that, when I'm tired or stressed I tend to get quiet and I just want to be left alone. And on top of that, I have a real problem with people I don't know very well or trust, preferring to warm up to them gradually. When I met El Stu for the first time, I thought 'Now there's a guy I probably won't get along with'. Same with Chad, yet I consider them two of my best friends! Inversely, I really hate when someone pays me an unexpected compliment or attention. I immediatley become self-conscious and uncomfortable 'cause I know what a slug I really am. Tabitha gives me shit about not making eye contact with her when we're talking. So does Karen. Of course, this only makes it harder. St. George, if we ever meet-I swear I'll give it my best shot!
Why do I tell you all this? What am I on about?
Well, that guy Mike-came down from Calgary along with the new scanner to teach me and 2X how to use it-finished up his last day of training with us. I've been pretty cranky and withdrawn all week. (morning person=not!) Although he made several overtures, trying to get to know me better, it took a real effort on my part not to scream, 'LEAVE ME ALONE!!' 'cause I just didn't have the juice to be more extroverted. At the same time I felt guilty as hell over it AND I was frustrated 'cause my bosses didn't really tell us how they wanted us to structure our time with him-plus the imaging team was running out of work and kept pestering us, due to the fact the one of the machines had to be disconnected from the network in order to acommodate the new one.
Anyway, Mike solidiered on, giving us some great tips on the scanner, scanning and color-correction. He told me a bit about himself, his wife and kids (he missed them), and sort of hinted around that he could use some company in the off hours. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't rude or anything. I did my best to keep from turning up my defensive shields to full power, even when he was hovering over my shoulder watching me work. But still, everything I said and did felt forced.
However, he did an excellent job right to the end-which was the worst. As he was saying goodbye, he told us he'd miss us and was hoping he could come back to town to work with us again soon and that if we had any questions, he was at our disposal.
If he was a close friend, I would've hugged him and wished him a safe trip. But I certainly coulndn't/wouldn't do that. Actually, I'm not even sure I shook his hand...gahd, I felt both shitty and relieved when he finally left for the evening. I'm sure he thought I disliked him the whole time and now I feel like crying for having done that...
So I did the only thing I could do. I wrote an email to my boss giving Mike some mad props. And I asked her to thank him for me. As soon as I can think of an appropriate 'thank you' gift, I'm sending to him. Until then, I'm gonna hide out and get some rest.
I'm really sorry, Mike. Thanks again...

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