1.14.2003

WARNING: This post will be heavy on metaphor and similie.

Even though J. and I broke up back in September, the relationship had a strange and profound effect on me. It was like I'd won a designer dream home in a raffle, only to have the whole thing crash down around me right after I'd moved my stuff in. I tried to understand her and by extension myself in the aftermath, but couldn't shake the nasty stink of failure which clung to me like cigarette smoke after a night of clubbing.
I made jokes about my pain and eventually the day came when I didn't think about reconciling with her at all. But somehow, knowing that her desk sat a few feet from mine at work made me feel like she was always there...even if she wasn't. I was terrified of running into her in the hallway. Not because I thought she'd say or do something nasty, but because I was afraid I'd do or say something nasty. It was starting to effect the way I enjoyed my work. Somehow, in my mental dialogue she'd become the living embodiment of all that was evil. My rational mind thought this was ridiculous but I rationalized it, thinking it was what I needed to do to get over it and move on. But somehow things felt out of balance. I felt real poison beginning to form around my heart. The hate was becoming real. I needed to do something, so after thinking about it, I decided to call and arrange a meeting.
J. was understandably apprehensive at first. We talked for about 45 minutes. I told her why I wanted to meet, that I needed to see her as she is and not as the monster in my imagination. I wanted to just chat-it didn't have to be about "us", that is over and she has a boyfriend. I didn't need to her to absolve me of anything. If anything, I wanted the chance to forgive her, face to face...sounds weird, doesn't it? But-she understood. Despite my intentions, we did talk about our former relationship and I apologized for making judgements about her spiritual quests. Several things got cleared up and she agreed to meet me the following day.
The meeting went well. It was good to see her. When she came in she asked for a hug and complimented my hair. J. looked pretty much the same, but maybe a little more mature...or wiser...or something. We went to down to Marcus' Martini Heaven and had a drink, then walked into the New Orleans Cafe for dinner. The conversation was more or less a continuation of the phone conversation. She told me her sister had gotten engaged recently and that she had entered a new creative period in her life. I told her about Fey Ray and filled her in on what me and my friends were up to. I was really struck by how easy talking to her was. J. is not a monster (duh)...she came to help me. She was even decent enough to not bring up her boyfriend until I asked her about him-even though she's in love. I knew she was still a little miffed about my snubbing her offer of friendship a few months ago. So I made the offer to her. I don't think she'll take me up on it-but then I don't expect her to...I just want everything to be equal.
We spent about two hours together. I think it was good for us both. J. was acting like she was all OK, but I know it wasn't easy for her either. After I got home I felt like a freshly squeezed blackhead. Raw and a little bloody, but free of the crap. The poison is gone, the world is once again my oyster.

(After I listen to AMC and sigh a few times, that is.)

If I Had a Hammer

The love cry of the traveling man goes
No one knows who I am
But I'm as priceless as a brass ring
That's losing the heat from your hand

A quiet man sits quietly learning his lesson
The slow smooth wheel of disintegration

You don't want them to talk to you
No you don't want to take part
You say, "Just get me back to the leper colony
'Cause that's where you left my heart."

I feel time pass by like a joy no medicine can preserve
Somewhere along the line I lost my nerve

Maybe I'm almost there

Give me the keys to your theme park
Bury me under your layer of snow
And watch me ride all the rides
Around and around I go

I don't know if I've reached the bottom yet
And I don't know if the ice has finally begun to set
I feel time pass like a joy I tried so hard to relearn
But somewhere along the line I passed the point of no return

Maybe I'm almost there

The love cry of the traveling man goes
No one knows who I am
But I'm as priceless as a brass ring
That lost the heat from your hand


Thanks, Julia...

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