4.07.2003

Secks on tha Brain

I spent some time with two of my female friends yesterday and lemmetellya, it was a bit of an eye-opener! You see, half of my closest friends are female…I’ve known them 5, 10, 13, 15 years (26 in one case). This adds a whole new level to the concept of the “friend zone”. No, sir-this fresh hell is known as the “male girl-friend”.
On one hand, I am quite honored. I value people who are forthright and direct and being in this position allows one to talk freely and openly about any and everything without awkwardness or worrying about boundaries. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel these women, who are all very intelligent, interesting and damn sexy, see me as such a hopeless epicene that I find myself spouting outrageous statements in order to “remind them” that I am in fact, a normal, red-blooded, hetero male.
Example:

Her: ...”and so then he grabbed me by my hair and said…”
Me: “Waitaminute. I don’t mean to interrupt, but you know-I’m a guy too.”
Her (puzzled): “Yeah, I know that.”
Me: “So before you tell me this story, I thought we’d get that straight.”
Her (still puzzled): “ooookay.”
Me: “’Cause hey, I like sex! I’ve even had it a few times. With women!
Her: “…”
Me: “You know that if me and you had met under different circumstances and I was a bald white guy who wore leathers and had tattoos and piercings and a Harley and was all up in that BD/S&M/Industrial stuff we’d be getting’ it on too, right?”
Her (deciding to humor me): “Uh, sure…”
Me (pleased): “Awright. So then what happened?”


Heh. I’ve actually had some girls, who I don’t know as well as my buds, try to convince me that “We don’t actually talk about that stuff.”
Yeah, right.

Anyway, to call my two friends “sex-positive” would be a gross understatement. Really. In the space of less than two hours, I learned more about dildos, their ex’s penis sizes (and boy, size DOES matter) and sexual practices than I could’ve ever imagined. We weren’t drinkin’ neither…
I even somehow managed to maintain my cool when the younger of the two says: “So this guy, one of my random fuckbuddies? He has this thing where he likes to spew on my stomach or chest and then smack his dick on my cheek and say stuff like ‘You like that, bitch?!’”
Me: “Uh...perhaps you should let that one go.”
Her: “Oh, normally I would but he’s so fucking hung I just can’t get rid of him yet!”

I’m going to giggle about that one on my deathbed…

You know the funny thing about all this? The way you can tell your guy friend is really, really into the new babe he’s dating...He doesn’t say a thing

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